


Various Villainous Randomness

by bloop_magoop



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-03 02:38:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16317542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloop_magoop/pseuds/bloop_magoop
Summary: I have lots of silly wacky ideas but not enough patience or skill to turn them into full fledged fics. And some of them.....don't exactly deserve to be made into fics.....So for now I'm shoving the actual ideas and the crackfics into a rather informal collection. The chapters are going to be largely independent of each other. Black Hat's gonna be the focus a lot because I love him. Beware of OOCness and abrupt stops.Some will be sfw, some nsfw. Any applicable warnings will be before each bit of writing (if i miss something please let me know).Since I won't be expanding any of these in the foreseeable future, if anyone else wants to use them, feel free! Just remember to tell me, I'd love to see what others come up with!





	1. The Get Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let's start this collection off right; with a clear indication that there's going to be A LOT of polyhats huauhauahuahuahu

sfw, no warnings

* * *

Once upon a time Black Hat was awkwardly telling Flug he likes him. Flug intense blush.  
"O-oh...wow I- jefecito that's-"  
"This applies to Demencia as well."  
Flug spit take the drink he suddenly has.  
As he's choking Black hat keeps talking. "I'm aware that humans call this phenomenon 'polyamory' and that for many the practice of it is considered strange or even taboo so if you are not interested-"  
"No!"  
"No? You don't want to do this?"  
Flug coughs again, trying to get his words out "I mean- *cough cough*"  
Poor Black Hat looks so sad but tires to hide it. Conceal don't feel. "It's fine Flug, I expected one or both or you to object..."  
"No that's not-" Flug finally stops dying and catches his breath. "I am interested! Jefectio that sounds wonderful!"  
Black Hat visibly brightens but don't tell him that or he'll grump.  
"It does?"  
"Yes! I'm poly too, I'd love to try having you both!"  
Then they get all GROSS and FLUFFY and their future children say "EWWWWWWWW STOP KISSING EWWWWWW!!!!!!!"  
Black Hat and Flug discuss how they'll tell Demencia. They're both worried she won't share.  
They approach her together.  
They tell her that they like each other.  
She's sad that Black Hat is with someone else but if he's happy she's happy.  
He says he does like her and she forgets everything they just said and SQUEALS!  
SHE IS SO LOUD AND IS FLAPPING AND JUMPING LIKE A BIRD ABOUT TO TAKE FLIGHT!  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Demencia"  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
She tackles Black Hat, knocking him over and kisses every inch of his face.  
He shoves her off, "DEMENCIA WE ARE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!"  
Black Hat covers her mouth and she licks his hand. He laments his choice in mates, not for the first time and not for the the last.  
They get her to listen for two fucking seconds, long enough to remind her that him and Flug are together.  
"Wh-...but??..."  
"We want you too." Flug explains. "We want the three of us to be together."  
She looks between them a few times. She stage-whispers to Black Hat, "....but he's a big fooking nerd."  
"I know."  
Demencia makes a serious thinkin' face "Hmmmmmmmm....." Does she like Flug that way? Maybe not, but is she willing to give it a try to see if those feelings will develop eventually? "....okay."  
"You'll do it?"  
She smiles, "Yeah sure! Sounds like fun!" She waggles her eyes at Flug, "If you think you can handle me that is~"  
Flug is worried he can't handle either of them.  
They start going on awkward but cute little dates and they really enjoy them.  
Demencia took a bit to get over the excitement that Black Hat liked her too, but when she did she could pay attention to Flug and decided he was pretty freakin' rad too.  
Eventually they all fall hopelessly in love with each other awwwww!  
They are soooooooooooo happy they got together.  
Flug can't handle either of them but he's okay with that.  
Black Hat still likes to pretend this 'love' thing is icky, but he really does love his mates and is glad he finally told them so.


	2. The New Boyfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Hat's love life causes some upset.

mostly sfw but there is some humping. no warnings.

* * *

Black Hat came home with a big ugly monster.  
"Everyone," he said "This is my new boyfriend."  
The new boyfriend screeched an unholy screech. Black Hat laughed and agreed.  
"Hi I'm Flug." said Flug "What's your name?"  
The boyfriend gurgled.  
"....o-oh..."  
"That's a nice name!" said Demencia.  
"Aroo!" said 505  
"We want attention from the fandom." said Cambot and Lil Jack.  
"That's nice." said the fandom "Anyways so I wrote this paperhat fic."  
Cambot and Lil Jack looked down sadly.  
Black Hat showed his new boyfriend around the house. The boyfriend oozed all over everything and Black Hat yelled at 505 to clean it up. 505 got excited cause now he had an excuse to wear his adorable maid outfit. He liked this new boyfriend!  
The tour ended in Flug's lab. Black Hat gestured to the nerd. "And that's my bitch, Dr. Flug."  
"!!!!" said Flug.  
Then Black Hat and his new boyfriend cleared Flug's workspace so they could make out on his desk.  
"Mmmmm Flug clean up that mmmess." Black Hat said around his new boyfriend's mouth and pointed at the stuff they shoved to the floor.  
Flug cleaned it up cause 505 was still busy with the ooze. Then he went to leave but Black Hat pulled away from the intense kiss to yell at him.  
"Where do you think you're going?"  
"Um....away from you two?"  
"Get back to work!"  
"But sir you're making out in here!"  
"I said get back to work!"  
Flug groaned and did science while his boss and his new boyfriend sloppily and noisily made out and humped each other only a few feet away. He'd been forced to work under worse conditions.  
Demencia came in to watch them. Flug didn't mind that too much cause she shared her popcorn with him.  
After that day, the gang saw a lot more of Black Hat's new boyfriend.  
"Do you think they'll get married?" Demencia asked Flug.  
"I hope not. I'm really sick of them making out in my lab. I mean, they've got the whole mansion, why do they have to do it where I'm working?"  
"Maybe its cause it annoys you so much."  
"God yeah that's probably it."  
It was.  
One day, the boyfriend was in Flug's lab without Black Hat. He looked Flug dead in the eye as he knocked over a chemical labeled 'SUPER VOLATILE AND SUPER DEADLY!!! DO NOT DRINK!!! THAT MEANS YOU BH AND DEM!!!!'  
Flug screamed and frantically cleaned it up before it finished burning a hole right through the floor. Then he yelled.  
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" The monster didn't answer him. Instead he knocked over Flug's bunsen burner where he was heating some other chemical. Flug shouted again and cleaned it up.  
"GET OUT OF HERE!"  
The monster knocked over another thing. He knocked over Flug.  
"BLACK HAT YOUR STUPID BOYFRIEND IS FUCKING WITH ME!!!!"  
Black Hat came in to see what all the hullabaloo was about.  
Flug jabbed at finglonger at Black Hat's boyfriend, "HES WRECKING MY STUFF!"  
Black Hat gave his boyfriend a serious look.  
"That," he said very seriously, "is hilarious."  
"HEY!!!!" Flug shouted.  
Then Black Hat and his boyfriend made out on Flug.  
"GET OFF ME!!!" Flug squirmed.  
Later, Flug was complaining to Demencia.  
"AND THEN THEY MADE OUT ON TOP OF ME!"  
"That," she said, "is hilarious."  
"We gotta get Black Hat and his dumb boyfriend to break up!" Flug said.  
"Ooooo yeah, then Blackie Boo will pay more attention to me!!!"  
The two of them spent a whole week making a big huge elaborate plan that somehow involved a Rube Goldberg machine.  
The day they were going to enact their plan, Black Hat came home from a date sobbing.  
"HE BROKE UP WITH ME!"  
"Oh....that's so sad....."  
Black Hat cried and cried and ate ice cream out of the box in his underwear.  
"I don't understand! Things were going so well!!"  
"Are you gonna kill him to make yourself feel better?" Demencia asked.  
Black Hat sniffled. "Maybe"  
505 gave Black Hat a big hug but was shoved off and yelled at.  
A week later Black Hat came home with another ugly monster. "This is my new girlfriend."


	3. Lil Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pets enrich our lives

sfw, no warnings

* * *

 

Black Hat was doing a lil dance.  
"Doo dee doo dee doo." he sang and swished his hips.  
Lil Jack joined him in his lil dance.  
Black Hat loved dancing with his pet, like so many other pet owners.  
"I love you Lil Jack!" he sang.  
Lil Jack flicked her tongue.  
Black Hat giggled at her adorable wittle tongue.  
He patted her tummy as he danced.  
"Fat fat fat." he sang "Fat fat pat pat big snakey tum. So round and full of yum. Bum bu dum ba dum big snakey tum."  
Lil Jack did not react.  
"Hee hee hee ur the best snake ever!"  
Black Hat went to the pet food pantry, punched in the secret code that kept Demencia out so she wouldn't eat everything, and pulled out a big dead rabbit.  
"Oooooooo what have I got!!!!"  
Lil Jack wiggled excitedly.  
"I wonder if there are any pretty princesses who want this big juicy rabbit?"  
Lil Jack wiggled more and flicked her tongue.  
"Hmmmmmm!!!!"  
Lil Jack lunged for the rabbit but Black Hat pulled it just out of her reach.  
"No no! Not yet!"  
Lil Jack gave him pitiful eyes.  
"Roll over!"  
She rolled her snakey tube body all around.  
"Play dead!"  
She flipped onto her back and left her tongue hanging out.  
"Speak!"  
She got up and let out a mighty roar, "RRROOOOAAAARRR!!!"  
"Good girl!" he tossed the rabbit in the air and Lil Jack expertly caught it, swallowing it whole in one gulp.  
Black Hat giggled and poked her tummy bulge, "Uh oh looks like someone's got a fat belly~"  
Lil Jack slithered away, ignoring him. He followed her.  
She slithered into his room, over to the stand holding her tank, climbed inside, and dug into the substrate. She got real comfy, totally hidden except for the tip of her snout sticking out.  
"Is it time for the pretty princess to nap after her big meal?"  
She did not respond.  
"Tee hee okay sweetie~" he reached in and patted her snout, shapeshifting a mouth on his hand to kiss her goodnight.  
She wiggled.  
"Hee hee! oke bye bye <3"  
He pranced away to go scream bloody murder at Flug. Lil Jack fell fast asleep, dreaming sweet dreams of her beloved master.


	4. Nsfw Crack Beginnings.....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything in here is nsfw and ridiculous oh god

Oops

warnings: unintentional amputation, blood

Black Hat was sucking Flug's dick when Dem burst in the room shouting, "EEY FUCKOS, WHAT'S SHAKIN?!"  
This startled Black Hat so much that he accidentally bit off Flug's dick. Everyone started screaming.  
Black Hat got so startled from Dem, everyone screaming, having a disembodied dick in his mouth, and blood squirting in his face, that he accidentally swallowed and choked on Flug's amputated dick.  
Flug clutched his crotch and fell over in pain, screaming and crying.  
Dem yelled, "HOLY SHIT!" and grabbed Black Hat from behind, squeezing his tummy until he coughed up Flug's dick. The dick flew out his throat and smacked Flug in the face. Flug sobbed more.  
Black Hat picked up Flug and his dick and teleported to the villain hospital. Dem cleaned the blood cause it would have made the maid, 505, cry.  
When Black Hat and Flug came back hours later, Dem was put in time out.  
Flug laid in bed with his arms crossed, his reattached dick all bandaged up, and a sour expression on his face.  
Dem apologized but Flug just glared at her.

* * *

It Grows Back

warnings: intentional amputation

Black Hat had to go to another country to harass international villains.  
"But siiiiiiir," Flug and Dem whined, rolling around on their bed. "We need you to fuck uuusssss!!"  
Black Hat groaned. He was getting sick of his insatiable whores bothering him. He needed to shut them up somehow.  
Black Hat took his pants off, to his partner's delight. To Flug's not-delight, Black Hat ripped his squirming tentacle cock clean off.  
"Here." Black Hat tossed the flopping dick on their bed. "Play with that while I'm gone."  
"Neat!" Dem declared.

* * *

An Experiment

warnings: none

Black Hat licked his own nipple.  
".....hm. Interesting." he said.  
Then he went back to paperwork.

* * *

A Refreshing Soda

warnings: none but dont try this at home kids

Black Hat put his dick in a coke bottle and it got stuck.  
"FLUG! HELP!"  
Flug rushed to his aid.  
"What is it sir?!" It must be very serious for Black Hat to need help.  
Flug frowned upon seeing the problem.  
".....uh...."

* * *

 

Objectophilla

warnings: kinkshaming lol

Black Hat took off his hat and shoved it up his cunt.  
"Ooo yeah that's nice~ fuck me baby~"  
Suddenly he heard wild laughing from the ceiling.  
He shouted, "DEMENCIA GET OUT OF HERE!!!!"  
She howled with laughter, scurrying out the room. She ran to Flug and told him what she saw.  
"NO WONDER YOU TOO LIKE EACH OTHER! YOU FUCK PLANES AND HE FUCKS TOP HATS! YOU BOTH GET HOT FOR INANIMATE OBJECTS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
Flug sighed, rolled his eyes, and went back to work. "We don't need your judgement."  
"AND- AND- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU BOTH NAMED YOURSELVES AFTER YOUR FETISH HOLY SHIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  
"Coming from the woman named after a disease she doesn't even have nor understand."  
"HAHAHAHAHA-........dementia is a disease?"  
Flug groaned, "Can you just let me work?"  
"Pfff whatever nerd. Hahahaha." and off she went.

* * *

The Best Part of Waking Up.....

warnings: none

One morning Black Hat gave Dem the task of getting Flug out of bed. He'd overslept. Dem yanked down her skirt and panties and slapped Flug across the face with her cock.  
"WAKE UP ASSHOLE!!!!"  
Flug screamed and Black Hat facepalmed.

* * *

....Is Eggs In Your Cup

warnings: none

Flug sat at the kitchen table and stared at his empty plate.  
"Wheres my breakfast?" he asked pitifully. Black Hat climbed on the table, squatted over the plate, and laid an egg right on it.  
"Eat up bitch."  
"No! I want toast!"  
Black Hat shoved his cunt in Flug's face, "Eat my eggs you queer!!!"  
Flug shoved him away. Poor Flug couldn't even make toast cause Demencia had eaten all the bread.  
She also ate some 'farm-fresh eggs'  
Straight from the source.  
Right there on the table.  
Flug took his plate off so they didn't knock it over. He was sick of this goddamn house.


	5. Be Proud of Who You Are and Who You Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hm

sfw. warnings: none

* * *

WHEN SUDDENLY  
Black Hat found out he was A QUEER!  
He never paid much attention to that SHIT.  
But now HE KNOWS.  
Because...................................................................FLUG AND HIM ~SMOOCHED~  
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
He also smooched Dem OH NO!  
He panicked at his STRANGE FEELINGS and went to his local library to learn more about GAYS.  
And love in general.  
He went to the library cause he's an old man who doesn't know what a google is.  
Having fun isn't hard.  
When you've got a library card.  
Unfortunately the library didn't have ANY books on EVIL DEMON ELDRITCH MONSTERS having QUEER FEELINGS for MULTIPLE PEOPLE.  
He was AGHAST that there wasn't a book catering to his EXACT NEEDS.  
So he BURNED THE LIBRARY DOWN!  
He went to the local library in the next town over.  
The librarians had heard of the DISASTER at the previous library and were fully prepared for Black Hat's WRATH.  
The place was evacuated of all pedestrians and there were police and medics and shit all over.  
They knew they could not stop Black Hat, only clean up after him, so they let him in the library without conflict. He sneered at them.  
Once inside, Black Hat DEMANDED that a librarian help him find a book for his EXACT NEEDS.  
".......you............want a book about sexual orientation??"  
"What I WANT is for you to OBEY ME and bring me what I asked for!"  
They brought him several books but NONE met his EXACT NEEDS.  
He GROANED, "WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!"  
The PATHETIC HUMANS begged for his forgiveness. He was too annoyed to pay them any attention.  
"UGH" he said, "IF I CAN'T FIND A RESOURCE ABOUT BEING QUEER FOR SUPERVILLAINS, THEN I'LL MAKE MY OWN!"  
Black Hat contacted all the villains he knew, asking them on a scale from 1-10 how QUEER they were and how many DISGUSTING SEX-SLAVES they mated with.  
Then he ORDERED them all to join his new QUEER VILLAIN CLUB.  
He pretended it wasn't because he was clueless about this stuff and needed someone to teach him.  
And thus, the first villain-centered pride meetup was established.  
Black Hat liked that it was called pride cause he is indeed proud of how AWESOME he is.  
In about a week he got MASSIVELY FRUSTRATED with running a group for something he knew nothing about and ORDERED the group to pick a replacement cause he couldn't be bothered to find one himself.  
After that the group took on a life of its own. Turns out Black Hat wasn't the only one who needed an evil pride!!  
Black Hat still attended every meeting, lurking in the shadows and paying close attention to everything that was said.  
He still didn't understand love very well.  
One thing he did learn is that calling your partners DISGUSTING SEX-SLAVES was frowned upon.  
Turns out they don't typically like that.


	6. Game of Thrones But Not At All Really

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One must be willing to sacrifice a lot to protect their home....

sfw, no warnings

* * *

 

The Tyrant of Tentacles, The Mighty Black Hat, had invaded the land of the reptile people.  
"Oh woe is us," the reptile leaders wept, "Whatever shall we do? We cannot hope to stand up against Black Hat!"  
"I think he's kinda hot." said the village idiot, Dem The Dull.  
"Fuck off." the leaders said.  
"Wait wait, I got an idea. We can totally get him to let us live."  
"Oh? And how might that be?" the reptile leaders let this foolish reptile speak cause the darkest of days call for the sunniest of smiles and Dem's stupidity was always good for a laugh.  
"Maybe- just hear me out- maybe all he needs is a good fuck."  
"................."  
"You know, to like, mellow him out."  
"................"  
"I volunteer."  
"................" they burst out laughing.  
"Okay okay, I get why you don't think it'll work. Classy guy like that? He wouldn't go for just anyone."  
"That's because he doesn't want anyone, he just wants to destroy us."  
"So to get him interested, we dress me up like a princess or something. Sexy reptile princess. Then he'll be all 'oooooh fuuuk I want that hemipenis' and he'll ask me to marry him and OF COURSE I'll say yes. Then since marrying a princess makes you king, Black Hat will be our king."  
"Excuse me? How would that help?"  
"Well he wont destroy his own stuff yeah?"  
"You are so stupid. Get away from us so we can plan out the reptile people's escape."  
Dem shrugged and left. She skipped over to the dress shop and stole the most luxurious dress she could find. Then she went to the jewelry shop and stole the most splendid jewelry she could find. Then she went to the shoe shop and stole the most elegant shoes she could find.  
She wore all her stolen clothes and went just out of town, headed for where the Tyrant of Tentacles' army was stationed. As she approached, a filthy beast stopped her.  
"Halt!" it snarled, "Who are you and why have you come here?"  
Dem grinned, "I am the reptile princess!" she said confidently, "I seek an audience with The Mighty Black Hat!"  
The beast howled with laughter, "Oh yeah? Come to beg for mercy? Trying to save your pathetic home? Very well, I'll take you to him, but only so I can watch him tear you limb from limb and eat your insides."  
'fuck he sounds awesome' Dem thought as the filthy beast escorted her.  
They went past lots of tents with lots of other filthy beasts snapping and snarling and fighting each other. Dem really wanted to wrasle too, but she wanted to meet her future husband more.  
They arrived at the biggest and fanciest temporary home. There was a scrawny, awkward beast outside. He was clearly a fucking nerd. When he saw them he tensed up, hoping they wouldn't talk to him. Unless they wanted to talk about flying. He loved talking about flying.  
"Flug," the escort said to him, "The reptile princess wants to beg for her people's lives or something."  
Suddenly Flug's demeanor changed, "You fucking idiot. Reptiles don't have princesses." he was more confident when he was smarter than someone.  
"Uhhhh" Dem uh'd, "Its new. Yeah. We uh....in the past hour we decided to have a royal family and they sent me to uh, negotiate. Yeah."  
Flug raised an eyebrow, "Really? Did all that in the past hour huh?"  
"Yeah totally."  
Flug sighed, "Well his nastiness hasn't had lunch yet. I guess you'll do. Wait here."  
Flug went inside. Dem vibrated with excitement. The filthy beast hoped there'd be some scraps left to gobble.  
And then..........THE TYRANT OF TENTACLES HIMSELF, THE MOST HORRIBLE AND EVIL BEING ALIVE, THE MIGHTY BLACK HAT, EMERGED!  
May his nastiness rule forever.  
"Who the fuck is that." he asked about the reptile woman in the fancy clothes.  
"Hi!" Dem waved, "I'm the-"  
"Shut up. I don't care. I'm going to eat you."  
Black Hat lunged at her, ready to sink his teeth into her juicy flesh.  
"WAIT NO I'M THE PRINCESS, I WANT TO NEGOTIATE!!!" she yelled as he bit her.  
He stopped biting long enough to say, "Reptiles have princesses? Flug why didn't you tell me?"  
"Sir, they don't."  
"Shut up Flug." Black Hat let Dem go. He wanted to hear her pathetic pleas to spare her people before he ate her. Dinner and a show!  
"Okay so," Dem started, "We got to thinking, what's the point of resistance? Even if we run, you'll catch us cause you're just so cool like that."  
"Yep." Black Hat said.  
"We cant fight you, and we can't run from you, so how bout we join you!"  
"....what??"  
"Marry me dude! I'm the princess! If you marry me, you'll be our king, and we'll belong to you! You'll have so many more slaves and more than just filthy beasts in your army!" she looked to the filthy beast still with them, "No offense."  
"None taken." the filthy beast said.  
"Hmmmmmmm." Black Hat pondered this. He DID like getting new slaves and building his army.  
"Sir," Flug said, "She's lying. Reptiles don't have-"  
"Didn't I tell you to shut? Why aren't you shutting?" Black Hat growled.  
Flug sighed sadly.  
"Alright princess," Black Hat said to Dem, "You have a deal. I'm tired of fucking just Flug anyway. I could use another hole to fill."  
Flug blushed bright red.  
"ALRIGHT!" Dem fist pumped, "I cant wait!"  
"Aw man." the filthy beast moped. No limb tearing today.  
Black Hat and Flug went with Dem to the reptile leader-place to plan the wedding.  
The leaders were FURIOUS with Dem, "You have damned us!"  
"Haha." she said.  
The reptile leaders couldn't even tell Black Hat the truth. He'd get mad. They really didn't want to make him mad. He might do something worse than destroy them. All they could do was try and keep him in a good mood.  
The reptiles and Black Hat's gang planned a great grand wedding for Black Hat and Dem. They'd be married when the sun was highest as this was a special time for cold-blooded reptiles.  
Dem was given a beautiful reptilian wedding dress, fit for the royalty they didn't have.  
Weeks of planning went into making the wedding absolutely perfect. Eventually the day arrived. Black Hat's whole army and all the reptiles were in attendance, whether they wanted to be there or not.  
Flug was the best man. The reptile leaders were bridesmaids. A random filthy beast was the ringbearer. The reptilian high priest was the uh priest.  
"We are gathered here today to witness the joyous union between The Mighty Black Hat and some tart in a dress." the high priest said.  
Black Hat thought it was strange they referred to their princess like that but he also didn't give a shit what their culture was like.  
The high priest went on and on about reptilian wedding stuff until Black Hat got bored and told them to hurry up.  
"Oh uh, s-sorry your nastiness." the high priest hoped he wouldn't kill them, "Uh. 'Princess' Dem, do you take The Tyrant of Tentacles, The Most Horrible and Evil Being Alive, The Mighty Black Hat, to be your lair-mate for as long as the sun shines?"  
"Fuck yeah."  
"Of course. And Black Hat, do you-"  
"Yeah sure whatever."  
"Then I now pronounce you lair-mates. May your clutches be many."  
"Cool." Black Hat said, "Now I'm hungry. Where's the food? Oh there it is." he ate the high priest to the shock and horror of the reptiles.  
And thus the reptiles came under The Tyrant of Tentacles' everlasting rule.  
They did not live happily ever after, but Black Hat and his new lover certainly did.


	7. Warm and Cuddly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sfw, no warnings

After a long, frustrating day, a grumpy Black Hat curls across Flug and Dem's laps and demands attention. They are not allowed up until he is properly soothed. He is like a big cat. He loves pets. But only his partners are allowed to know this. Getting stroked while surrounded with his mate's scents is perfect for calming him down. Purrrrrrrrrr  
Everyday Dem is amazed and thrilled at how happy she can make him when he used to hate her so much.  
He likes to rub into her hair like a kitty. Him being so docile like this is extremely rare. Flug and Dem love it.

Black Hat is like a big furnace. Very toasty. Black Hat's toastiness is Very Nice during trans Flug's and/or cis Dem's periods.  
The three of them never need thick blankets, even during winter. Flug still likes to have a thinner blanket tho. Black Hat shapeshifts into a fluffy naga form and wraps around his lovers to keep them warm. It makes them feel safe and secure.  
In the summer Black Hat can cool his body too, but its much harder. All that raw magical power concentrated inside him generates a lot of heat. It can be difficult to lower. Dem has more heat tolerance cause lizard, but its still uncomfortable. For a while they had to sleep separately.....  
But then Flug did science stuff to turn their bed into a heat sink, moving the heat away from them and into a seebeck generator to power the house. Their electric bill goes way down during the summer (or at least it would if they ever bothered paying bills. being evil and rich means they can ignore that shit without consequence). The heat sink can be adjusted during winter since they don't need it as much.  
Black Hat doesn't understand how he can make electricity by just sitting there. But he likes that the science-bed helps his partners stay cool.

One time Dem was jumping on the bed and broke it.  
"Oops"  
After yelling at her, Flug fixed it. But she complained about not getting to jump until Flug rolled his eyes and modified it to be tough enough to withstand jumping.  
She squealed and gave him a big thank you smooch.  
He blushu~

The manor's location is elevated enough to get a snowy winter despite being an island in Mexico. Like the mountains in Hawaii.  
I have no idea if Mexico has any place like that, but who cares. I doubt they have a Hatsville on a Hat Island lol  
Black Hat's mere presence melts snow. Dem demanded Flug make special winter clothes that let Black Hat touch snow. She wants the three of them to make "sexy romantic snowmen"  
Black Hat thinks that's stupid but goes along anyways. Not cause he LIKES them or anything....he just had nothing better to do!  
Que Calvin and Hobbes-esque snow sculptures.


End file.
